What the *BLEEP* is wrong with you...

So last night I went on a date... another blind date.. Why I keep putting myself through the awkwardness and nerves I'll never know. No pain no gain I guess.

Let me just start by saying this guy looked pretty normal.. if not slightly attractive. He had nice facial features, he wasn't morbidly obese, or older than my dad and he didn't smell bad. That's a good start right!? Wrong.

The more he talked.. the more I decided he had crazy eyes. Not the kind of crazy, staring into your soul kind of eyes - but the kind that makes your mind say "Run away he's cray!" I even found myself rocking back and forth just trying to pass the time and he kept asking me if I was cold. Nope not cold... just ready to run away.

He talked about his cat.. or cats.. multiple. singular. I don't know. RUN AWAY.

He was more aloof and in his own little bubble than the homeless men on the street.. which kept asking us if we could bum them a cigarette or help them open up a magical door... I kid you not.

Keep Portland weird.

I kept fiddling with my purse and trying to check the time... it has to have been more than an hour right? 10 minutes? GOD DAMMIT. Shut up so I can go home, put on my pajamas and watch food network while I scroll through Pinterest. Shut up. shut up. shut UP! #singlelife

Now let me just preface this by saying this is how the night started. Mystery date texted me and asked "Dive bar or Classy bar". I thought he was joking so I let him feel masculine and I said "You pick, surprise me!" Wrong. All Wrong.

Ladies, for the love of all that is right in this world. Pick the one you want. Don't let them pick.

When I arrived at the bar he had chosen... yep.. You guessed it. It was a shit-hole.

I mean, I guess if you let them pick it is very telling of how they treat their mothers and how they will treat you right? Reverse psychology? Yah.. Let them pick and then run away promptly if it's worse than a fraternity house on a Sunday morning. Just run the hell away.

I sat down and eagerly stuck my hand in what appeared to have the consistency of a loogie. Man.. from that moment I should have faked a stomachache.

This guy stared off into space and talked about nonsense for an hour. Never once did he ask me anything interesting and the amount of awkward silence was palpable.

I would ask him something like "How do you like your job" and he would answer "It's good.. I don't have mean bosses. I eat lots of hospital food." LONG SILENCE.

Me: Ohh that kind of sucks.. do you miss real food?
Him: No not really. Don't have to grocery shop.
Me: What did you do today?
Him: I went go-carting with Jeff.
Me: Who's Jeff?
Him: My good buddy.... *staring off into outer space*
Me: *Chugging my PBR so I can get the hell out*
Him: How was your day?
Me: *Thank god he finally asked me something* It was good! So glad it's Friday! Ready for the weekend.

Him: I had today off.. and all week pretty much.
Me: Oh that's cool! Doing anything fun with your other days off?
Him: Hanging out with Jeff.


At this point I decided he might be into his friend Jeff and I just better cut my losses. Yep.. that must be it. The only two things he's brought up are Jeff and his cats. RUN.

At this point I just faked being really tired.. yawning.. oh man I'm really tired I better get going. Childish, maybe but I was sick of staring at every passerby with a look of "Help me I'm dying" plastered all over my face.

He seemed indifferent and only slightly bummed.. asking me if I would catch a second wind..?

No sir. Not a second or a third or a forth wind. Never have I been so stoked to Food Network it up and scroll through Pinterest.

Next time just run far far away... Text SOS to a friend and have them save you. Cut your losses now before it's too late. If the conversation is worse than pulling teeth, and they are more aloof than a drugged up homeless person just cut your losses early.

That's my word of dating advice for you this weekend. Date on and be happy being single. You could be stuck with crazy eyes.


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